


Vaults & Vampires

by LookingForOdysseus



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Dungeons & Dragons Campaign, F/M, This Is STUPID, Twilight Renaissance, Vampires, they're not actually in a vault i just needed something that started with a v, this is just self-indulgent i really wanted to write this so here we are, this was supposed to be a one-shot and things got out of hand once again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25747846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LookingForOdysseus/pseuds/LookingForOdysseus
Summary: The Cullens invite Bella to participate in their weekly family Dungeons & Dragons game for the first time and it's a lot more... chaotic than Bella may have been expecting.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Cullen Family & Bella Swan, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale
Comments: 8
Kudos: 48





	1. A walking master key

**Author's Note:**

> A little disclaimer: this is probably not the most accurate D&D gameplay to ever be described in (fan)fiction. I've played it once myself, and decided to bend the rules a little to better fit my story. I hope you still enjoy!

When Bella arrived at the Cullen house to participate in their weekly family Dungeons & Dragons night, she wasn't sure what to expect. She had received well-written but rather confusing instructions from Carlisle (signed 'kind and benevolent Dungeon Master'), as well as some help with creating a character from Rosalie, but, apart from that, she was pretty much flying blind.

Edward greeted her at the door, a nervous smile plastered on his face. "If you want to make a run for it, this is your last chance."

"And miss the mess that must be your family playing a game like this?" Bella laughed, handing him her coat; she should really get the radiator in the truck fixed. "Not a chance in hell."

Edward laughed as they made their way into the living room, where the rest of the family had gathered around the dining table. Carlisle sat at the head, wearing a scarf with a pattern Bella recognized as twenty-sided dice when she sat down next to him, Edward taking the spot on her other side. Everyone had their character sheets in front of them, and Bella, too, took hers out and placed it on the table. There was a palpable excitement in the air, and Bella couldn't suppress a smile; there was something very sweet about them getting this excited about a tabletop role-playing game.

Carlisle looked around, making sure everyone was ready, and started: "Before we get into the story, maybe you should all introduce your characters to Bella, and then she can tell you about hers." Carlisle knew the basics about Bella's character and had helped her pick a class, but had left the rest completely up to her, so this would be a surprise to him, too. Across the table, Bella caught side of Rosalie, who was trying not to grin too much; she knew what was coming.

Edward nodded at his father. "I'll start. My character is a human fighter, named Chad, but he'll also respond to 'bro' or anything along those lines. His preferred weapon is a greatsword."

Esme smiled at Bella and looked down at her character sheet. "I'm a dwarven cleric called Felicity. Her main job in the group is healing _certain people_ after they do something stupid," at this, she looked, predictably, towards Emmett and Jasper, "as well as deescalating the conflicts that tend to arise at every turn."

Rosalie still had a grin on her face when she said: "I play a tiefling monk, Lilith. Although the tiefling are hell's spawn, she has taken it upon herself to try and do some good in the world, or at least to not harm others too much." Rosalie shrugged. "Her main occupation is being a boss-ass bitch." _Sounds about right_ , Bella thought.

"Well, I'm a dragonborn barbarian, characterized by the fact that he's always wearing a cowboy hat and has a fantastic Southern accent," Emmett said.

Bella raised an eyebrow. "He sounds vaguely familiar," she said, with a side glance at Jasper.

"Funny you should mention that." Emmett grinned broadly and Bella automatically braced herself. "His name is Jasper."

Instead of being a little offended, as Bella had expected, Jasper simply shot his brother a sly smile. "I play a half-elven necromancer named Emmett," he dead-panned, and Bella couldn't suppress a giggle. She already felt sorry for Carlisle, who had to lead this mess through their campaign. "He's got great charisma and constitution, but he's a fucking idiot." Esme frowned at Jasper for cursing but didn't comment; normal household rules apparently didn't apply during D&D night.

Alice smiled. "I play a bard," she declared, which Bella was kind of expecting. "His name is Lisander, and he's a surprisingly beautiful gnome."

"And would you like to tell Bella what Lisander's instrument is, Alice?" Carlisle asked, in a voice that made Bella fear whatever would come next.

Alice, still with a perfect smile on her face, answered: "It's a one-man band. It gives me disadvantage on all of my stealth checks, but it's worth it."

Bella didn't know what to say, and Carlisle decided to rescue her from having to give an answer. "Bella, tell us about your rogue, please," he said.

Recovering from Alice's strange character choices, Bella exchanged a look with Rosalie. "I'm playing a half-elven rogue called Anthony, but he goes by Tony."

Edward gasped. "Hey, my middle name is Anthony!"

_I know_ , Bella thought, but she said: "Really? What a coincidence. He was the only child of a fantasy lawyer," Jasper and Emmett snickered at that term, "which provided him with many opportunities, but also meant he wasn't able to have a real relationship with his always-working father, so he's got some serious daddy issues."

Edward now watched his girlfriend through narrowed eyes. "My father was a busy lawyer."

_I know_ , Bella thought once again, watching Rosalie's face split in two with a wicked smile. "Really? What a coincidence! Well, he's got bronze hair and hazel eyes, too, another coincidence."

Edward immediately turned blazing eyes on Rosalie as his other family members choked on their laughter around the table. "Really?" he spat at his sister, but Rose only shrugged.

"Sounds like a great character, Bella," she said, tossing her waterfall of blonde curls over her shoulder. "Shall we get started?"

Carlisle, who managed to compose himself first, nodded. "So, the party is sitting around the table in a tavern. Are you guys drinking?"

"Hell yeah," Emmett and Jasper said at the same time.

"Okay, Jasper and Emmett are several pints in," Carlisle laughed. "How about the others?"

"Lilith is nursing some whiskey," Rosalie offered.

Alice snorted softly. "Lisander has one of those long silly straws and is using it to steal some of Lilith's whiskey."

"I'm taking shots of apple juice," Esme said, and Edward stated he would join her in that.

"Okay, everyone's having a great time," Carlisle summarized. "At that moment, you're approached by a tall, elven man, with straight, dark hair and bright green eyes. He's wearing dark blue wizard robes that have a golden, seven-pointed star embroidered on the right breast pocket. He smiles at your party and says: 'Greetings. I was wondering if I could spare a few minutes of your time.'" Carlisle lowered his naturally high voice a little when he spoke as the elf.

"Hello good sir," Jasper said. He made his own voice lower too, more like Emmett's, Bella noted, and had turned his Southern accent into the slight Appalachian lilt Emmett sometimes sported. He also slurred the words together and half-closed his eyes, throwing a vague look in his father's general direction.

Esme shook her head, and Bella wasn't certain whether that was in character or not. "How can we help you?" she asked. Her character voice was her own, maybe a little more raspy than usual.

Carlisle smiled at his wife. "The elven man ignores Emmett and says to you, Felicity: 'I'm looking for a courageous group of adventurers who are willing to help me with a job. The pay is good, and it won't take too long'".

Rosalie eyed her father. "We may be interested," she said, adding an almost dangerous tone to her voice, that she usually reserved for Edward.

Carlisle nodded. "The elven man looks at Lilith a little nervously but agrees, and asks you to meet him at his Fellowship's office tomorrow morning." He gave them some directions to the place, and the party went to sleep. "The next day, you follow the elf's directions to a building just off the city's main street. It's a high, stone building, and the woodwork is painted a dark blue. On a golden sign next to the door is engraved: _The Fellowship of the Galaxy_ ".

"Of the galaxy?" Emmett mumbled. "They're very modest, aren't they."

The other chuckled as Carlisle continued: "There's also a golden bell with a string to the right of the door."

"I jump up to ring the bell!" Alice exclaimed.

"The sound rings through the house and you have to wait a few minutes before a human woman in a dark blue dress with a silver star embroidered on her left breast pocket opens the door and lets you into the foyer. The room has dark blue carpeting with silver and gold thread woven through it, dark wooden paneling on the walls, and there are two majestic staircases on either side of the foyer that lead up to the first floor. The woman disappears through two wooden doors on the right with another golden sign above it, which says _The Sun Room_ , leaving you seemingly alone in the foyer."

"Seemingly?" Rosalie said suspiciously. "I'll do a perception check." She picked up one of the twenty-sided dice in the middle of the table and rolled it, landing with a fourteen on top. "Fourteen plus two, sixteen."

"Looking more closely," Carlisle said, and his children exchanged knowing glances. Apparently, they trusted their father with their lives unless he was Dungeon Master. "You spot a half-elven man with bronze hair in one of the darker corners, watching you all through narrowed, hazel eyes." Bella sat up straight as she heard her character be introduced.

"Hello there," Rosalie said, tone neither friendly nor unfriendly.

After an encouraging nod from Carlisle, Bella said: "I walk towards them and say: 'Hi. Have you also been asked to come here for the job?'" She made her own voice lower and tried to add the smooth quality Edward had inherited from Carlisle. It wasn't exactly Edward's voice, but it was close enough that the rest of the family chuckled around the table.

Esme was the first to recover. "Yes, you too?"

Before Bella could answer, Carlisle took the lead again. "The door to the Sun Room opens and the human woman steps out, inviting you into the room. Inside, you find three people: the elven man you met the day before, a dwarven man in fighter's clothing, and a human woman in ranger's clothes. Even though their attire differs, it's all dark blue with a golden star embroidered on the right breast. The elven man looks at you and says: 'Welcome, thank you all for coming here today. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Fenryn, and these are my companions, Geralt and Janna.'"

"Well, if your name's Geralt, sir, I think you'll find Lisander is an excellent Jaskier," Emmett interrupted. Bella hadn't heard many character voices in her time, but she would class Emmett's among some of the worst sounds in human history. He made it slightly higher and ridiculously raspy, adding such a horrifically bad Southern accent Bella could see Jasper physically flinch. Alice put her hands in front of her mouth to try and stifle some of her giggles, while Carlisle just stared at Emmett. Maybe he hadn't seen _The Witcher_.

"Just ignore him, Mr Fenryn," Esme said. "We do."

Carlisle chuckled. "Fenryn nods and continues: 'This house is our headquarters, but we have another location in a different part of the city. It's sadly been invested with creatures, and we would like you to go in and throw them all out. We invited Tony here because we fear some of the rooms are locked, and his rogue skills will be very useful in this quest, should you accept'".

Rosalie eyed Bella. "We'll do it if you pay, Mr Fenryn, even if it means we have to adopt someone else. You have to pull your weight, though. We've already got three children and one emo teenager, and Felicity and I really can't take any more."

Bella answered her look with a fierce grin. "I'll be fine."

Carlisle explained a few technicalities of the job and described how they made their way to the other house, which had a similar sign next to the front door, only this one was dirty, and someone had scratched through the Fellowship's name.

"Not a great sign," Edward mumbled. "I'll just try and open the door."

"There's a lock," Carlisle said.

Jasper frowned. "They didn't give us a key?"

"They gave us a rogue, which is basically a walking master key," Esme offered.

Bella nodded. "I'll get my thieves tools out and try to pick the lock." She picked up one of the dice for her first D&D roll ever, a soft shudder of excitement spreading through her body. She rolled a thirteen, plus four, a seventeen, which was enough to open the lock, and the party went inside.

Carlisle looked around the table, an excited glint in his eyes as he described what they encountered: "You enter into a foyer, with an interior decorating style very similar to the one in the Fellowship's other building. This one has been destroyed, however, the carpet is dirty and ripped, some of the wood paneling on the walls has been torn off, and the windows are covered, so it's hard for you to see what lurks in the shadows."

"Can those of us with dark vision roll a perception check?" Rosalie asked, a hint of suspicion once again shining through in her voice. Bella couldn't suppress a smile; Rosalie applied herself to D&D with the same fierceness she showed in every other aspect of her life. Bella had expected Rose to dismiss the game, or only participate to make the others happy, but it was abundantly clear that Rosalie Hale played for one reason and one reason only: to win.

Everyone except Edward and Emmett made perception rolls, with varying levels of success. Alice mourned wasting a natural 20 on a group perception check while Bella's second roll ever turned out to be a 2.

"Some of you, and you can point this out to the others," Carlisle explained, "notice that there are three doors in the wall to your right, and one at the end. There is no staircase visible, you can intuit that it must be behind one of the doors. Of the doors on your right, only one is still intact and closed. The other two have been smashed in."

Rosalie nodded. "I sneak towards the first doorway and peer inside. Should I roll stealth?"

Carlisle shook his head. "It's empty, so there isn't anything you have to be stealthy for." Rose repeated the manoeuvre with the second room, which was also empty, and returned to the party.

"I think that whatever we have to fight is behind the third door," Emmett said, enriching his already horrific character voice with a stage whisper that must be audible halfway across the country.

Esme nodded. "If we can open it without the thing noticing us somehow, we can get an idea of what we're up against," she whispered back.

"I could use Mage Hand to push it open and make it seem like the wind did it," Alice proposed.

Edward looked doubtful. "Yes, because the wind force inside houses is usually killer."

"I can cast Prestidigitation before Mage Hand to make a wind sound," Alice said in her best 'of course this is the answer you idiot'-voice. "Or I can yell 'oooh' as I'm doing it to mimic the sound of the wind, or a combination of both."

Everyone shrugged and nodded. "Why not, we're gonna fight them anyway," Rosalie mumbled.

"Alice, make a deception roll for me," Carlisle said. "I was thinking about performance, but deception fits better."

Alice groaned. "But I'm really good at performance." She rolled her dice and smiled at the result. "Seventeen plus four, twenty-one!"

Carlisle grinned. "Excellent, so you hear some grumbling inside in a language you don't understand, and an imp appears and starts inspecting the door."

"Let's make stealth rolls to see if we can get close enough for a surprise round," Emmett said, and the others nodded. "Alright, first roll of the session, don't disappoint me, buddy," Emmett whispered, and threw his die at a wall. "YEET!"

Bella watched with wide eyes, and Esme shrugged. "He claims it helps him roll better." Everyone did roll pretty well, between fourteen and nineteen, until Alice examined her second roll.

"Bad news, this is a three, so I don't think it's gonna work out," she said.

A small smile played along Carlisle's lips. "You all sneak up pretty successfully, until Lisander walks down the hallway, just banging his drums and playing his harmonica. The first imp turns around and sees you as four more come running up to the door."

Jasper sighed. "Do they look like they're rolling for initiative, now that Lizzie ruined our surprise?"

Alice threw him an angry look. "One day, I will roll two nat 20s in a row, and it's going to be hilarious."

They all rolled initiative, and Carlisle explained the order: Edward would go first, followed by Emmett, Bella, the imps, Rosalie, Jasper, and, finally, Esme.

Edward shrugged. "I'm going to run up to the imp on the far left and chop at it twice with my greatsword, for my two attacks," he said, rolling his die. "The first one is a twenty-two, the second one a sixteen." Both hit, and Chad allotted the imp eight points of damage.

Emmett was next, and he jumped on his chair and roared so loudly Bella physically flinched. No one else moved a muscle, and Emmett grinned at her. "That's me going into a rage," he said calmly, but remained standing on his chair. "If my bro Chad's got the left flank covered, I'll hit the one on the right." Rosalie, ever helpful, handed him his die and he once again yeeted it at the wall. "Seventeen… and that's nine points of damage."

Carlisle nodded. "It's going well, guys. Emmett, sit down. Bella, take it away."

"Edward's within five feet of the first imp, right?" Bella asked, and Carlisle nodded. "Great, then I'm going to sneak attack that one. Fourteen?" Carlisle nodded again, and Bella did eight points of damage.

"And that imp falls to the floor, dead," Carlisle declared, and Bella and Edward high-fived. "However, it's the imps' turn now. One is going to avenge his fallen brother by trying to stab Tony, but he rolls a four, so Tony will be fine. The one Jasper just hit is going after him… and rolls a two, these imps aren't having a great day."

"Maybe they're just really upset a level 1 rogue managed to kill one of them," Emmett suggested.

Carlisle continued without answering. "Imp number three will run up and try and hit Lilith with his dagger. Thirteen?" Rosalie shook her head. "Oh come on, let me get at least one," Carlisle mumbled. "Finally, one comes after Felicity. That's what I'm talking about, eighteen plus five, twenty-three?"

Esme grimaced. "Just barely, dear."

Esme made a successful constitution saving throw, and Carlisle declared: "That's only six points of damage, then, could be a lot worse."

Rosalie narrowed her eyes, examining the situation as if it was physically in front of her. "I'll pick the imp next to Emmett's and make two weapon attacks. I won't use any of my bonus actions right now, don't think it's worth it. Dirty twenty and a fifteen, both hit, right?" Carlisle answered in the affirmative, and Rosalie smiled. "Twelve points of damage."

"Lilith effortlessly slices the imp in two with her rapier," Carlisle said. "That only leaves three of them. Jasper, you're up."

"No, I just went," Emmett countered. "Oh, real Jasper."

Real Jasper glared at his brother and shrugged. "I'll just cast Fire Bolt on the one on the left. Twenty-three, that'll hit, unless it's in a tank and you failed to tell us. Seven points of damage."

"That one also falls over, dead," Carlisle said, an impressed tone in his voice. "Guys, I don't think a fight has ever gone this well. Maybe Bella's a good luck charm."

"I never doubted that," Esme said. "It's my turn, right? And no one's hurt except me?" The others mumbled in agreement and she smiled. "That's also a first. I'll just try and hit the one Emmett already hit with my war hammer. A nine, I fear that won't do it."

Carlisle looked apologetic. "The imp dodges you by hiding behind Emmett. We're back to the top of the order, but, before Chad gets a chance to make a move, you hear some scuttling and a surprisingly large rat runs into the hallway. Someone roll nature and arcana, please." Jasper managed to make both checks, and Carlisle continued: "As Emmett explains, imps have the ability to turn into animals, rats being one of them. This one seems to be an imp that got stuck as a rat and is now slowly losing its imp conscience, but it will still join the fight against you."

Emmett immediately called out in his character voice: "Chad! I've got the rat, just kill another imp!" Edward managed to do just that, and they moved on to Emmett's turn.

"I want to make an animal handling check to see if I can befriend the rat," Emmett said. "I say: 'Hello friend, wouldn't you like the come with us on our adventure, you can sleep on top of my hat'".

Carlisle let out an audible sigh. "Emmett, this rat is currently hostile to you. This will have to be the best animal handling check you've ever rolled, and, if you fail, your turn will be over."

Emmett nodded with the most serious look on his face Bella had ever seen, and yeeted his dice against the wall. He looked at his roll and threw both arms up in the air in victory. "NAT TWENTY BABY!"

Carlisle put his head in his hands for a moment, then mumbled: "Well, the rat makes a happy chirping sound and jumps up on Jasper's hat, I guess." The final imp used his turn to try and run away, but he was slain by Emmett's attack of opportunity. The party high-fived, both in game and around the table. "So, you've beaten the imps and Emmett has a new rat friend," Carlisle summarized. "Is he going to stay on top of your hat?"

Emmett nodded enthusiastically. "It's a she, actually. I think I'll name her Alice."

Jasper frowned at him, but Alice let out a happy gasp. "Are you really happy to have a rat named after you?" Jasper hissed.

Alice shrugged. "I'd rather be a rat than Emmett's character."

"Let's go upstairs!" Rosalie said, herding her family back to the main story.

"There's still a closed door, though," Bella said. Carlisle nodded and explained it was even locked, so she continued: "I'll make another lock pick check. That's a 1, I assume that isn't enough." She frowned at the die. "Traitor."

Carlisle laughed. "You watch Tony just hammer the lock with his fist, not even taking out his thieves tools, and then step back like well, guys, it won't open."

"Dad, I've got a really important question for you," Emmett said, more serious than Bella had ever heard him sound. "Can I break down the door."

Carlisle, visibly and audibly trying to hold in his laughter, answered: "You can try."

"What would that be, strength?" Emmett asked, and Carlisle nodded. "I do a few push-ups to hype myself up, then… That's a fourteen plus seven, twenty-one."

Carlisle shrugged. "Jasper just throws his full weight into the door and it flies off its hinges."

"Apparently, I'm not the only walking master key around here," Bella huffed.

Emmett nodded, a sage look on his face. "Anyone's a walking master key if you've got enough nerve."


	2. Well, that's just rude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Sorry this took me a while to get up, but I hope you enjoy :)

They went up the stairs, and Carlisle described: "The second floor of the building turns out to be one large room. From the round table and the chairs scattered about, you intuit it must have been a meeting space once, but that time has long gone. The room is empty."

"Well, that's suspicious," Esme said softly.

Emmett and Alice decided to walk around and check out the room, and Carlisle nodded. "As you walk through the room, you find that, in the middle, there are slots in the floor, about three inches deep, stretching from one wall to the other."

"Also suspicious," Alice mumbled. "Can I cross them?"

Carlisle shrugged. "I mean, they're three inch deep slots, not a ravine." When Alice and Emmett said they would cross, a wicked smile appeared on Carlisle's face, an expression Bella had never seen before. "Suddenly, a wooden wall slides into the slots between Lisander and Jasper and the rest of the party, and those two are cut off."

Emmett and Alice exchanged a worried glance. "Let's roll perception," Emmett proposed, and once again threw his dice at the wall. "A three plus one, a four!"

"You're in a square wooden room, and Lisander is also there," Carlisle dead-panned.

Alice examined her own roll. "Well, I got a critical miss, so that won't help."

"You're somewhere with someone you vaguely recognize but can't place."

Alice turned towards her brother. "What's up man, I'm Lisander."

The rest of the family snickered as Bella tuned out the conversation. With her limited D&D knowledge, she knew this was the kind of situation where her rogue could shine. "I'm going to do an investigation check on our side of the wall," she said, and Carlisle nodded encouragingly. This time, the die didn't betray her, and she smiled at it. "Fifteen plus three, eighteen."

"You notice that there is a pattern carved into the wood of the wall, and, when you step back, you see the seven-pointed star of the Fellowship, with in every corner something that looks like a small button," Carlisle explained.

Bella nodded. "Lisander, Jasper, can you hear me?" she asked, in her character voice.

"Can we?" Emmett asked.

Carlisle shrugged. "Not with those perception checks, but you can try again."

Alice and Emmett managed to get a satisfactory roll this time, and Bella called out: "Do you see the star carved in the wall?"

Alice and Emmett looked towards their father, who nodded. "Yeah!" Alice answered. 

"I think we have to press all seven buttons at the same time," Bella said. She manoeuvred the party into position, Alice and Esme taking the bottom buttons as Emmett and Jasper asked their father whether they would have to do jumping checks to reach the top ones (they didn't).

"When you press the buttons," Carlisle said, leaning forward. Bella noticed he barely used his notes when he was telling the story. Playing Dungeons and Dragons may have been an Alice-Emmett initiative, they definitely weren't the only ones who enjoyed it. "A lock emerges from the center of the star on both sides of the wall."

"Bad news guys, Lizzie and I won't be able to pick that lock, we don't have thieves tools," Emmett sighed.

Bella thought for a moment. "Do you have a hairpin or something? If I pick this lock I can probably talk you through picking that one."

"Yeah, standard gear for the party consists of a rope, a crowbar, and some hairpins in case you get stuck without your rogue," Alice said dryly.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Do you have a better idea?"

Emmett had a pensive look on his face as the girls bickered. "Do we know what material the lock's made of, DM?"

"Some sort of metal," Carlisle answered.

"Okay," Emmett looked determined, "I'm going to breathe on the lock then."

"And hope your dragon breath smells foul enough that it runs away screaming?" Alice asked.

Emmett shook his head, as if he couldn't believe his sister's idiocy. "No, dummy, to melt it. I can breathe fire, remember."

"You do that while I make a lockpick check," Bella said, already rolling her die. "Nineteen!"

Carlisle nodded. "Bella, your lock springs open. Em, you'll have to breathe on it for a while. The melting point of most metals is pretty high."

"I'll play you a little song while you're doing it!" Alice squealed, and started a rendition of Hot in Herre where she blew out breaths between the lyrics.

"After ten minutes, the lock has melted away, and the seven-pointed star swings open on its hinges that were previously invisible to you," Carlisle said, waving away Alice's singing.

The group whooped. "I hug Felicity!" Alice said enthusiastically.

"I get hit in the face with one of Lisander's cymbals!" Esme said, equally as enthusiastically.

"Let's go up to the final level," Rosalie proposed. "I assume that's where Donkey Kong is waiting for us."

Carlisle shrugged. "Only one way to find out." They all said they went upstairs and Bella saw an excited gleam appear in his eyes. They had had a relatively easy run so far, but, apparently, this was where the real fun would start. "You make it up the stairs with no trouble," Carlisle said, and Emmett and Jasper high-fived over a job well done. "You arrive in an attic, with rough wooden floors and slanted walls. Jasper's dragonborn form can only stand up straight in the middle. The attic is empty, no furniture or anything, except for three people, standing at the back wall: two men, an elf and a dwarf, and a human woman."

Emmett's face lit up. "Legolas, Gimli, and Éowyn."

Carlisle snickered but shook his head. "Not quite, but you do know them. Partly because you recognize their faces, and partly because they're all wearing dark blue clothing with a golden star embroidered on the breast."

"No," Rosalie gasped, the first to put it together.

Carlisle continued as if she hadn't spoken. "As you step into the attic, you find Fenryn, Geralt, and Janna looking at you. They seem both displeased and slightly impressed."

Jasper frowned. "What the hell?"

Carlisle leaned back, spreading his arms a little, and answered in Fenryn's voice: "Welcome, to the final level. You're the first ones to make it this far."

Emmett raised an eyebrow. "What kind of shit adventurers did you hire before, if we could make it past your defenses?"

Carlisle smiled. "Quality wasn't exactly an entry-level criteria. Maybe you're smarter than you think." The comment caused the rest of the group to burst out laughing.

"Mr Fenryn," Esme said, "can I just compliment you on your judge of character. Also, is there any chance you're gonna let us go or shall we just roll for initiative. I assume whatever diabolical plan you have relies on us dying here."

"At that, Janna lets out a low laugh and says: 'it does, yes, that's the only way we can harvest your energy. Rogue energy, especially, feels different'," Carlisle said, eyeing Bella.

Emmett elbowed Jasper. "They may enjoy rogue energy, but I'm sure they'll love this BDE, too," he said, as Jasper coughed uncomfortably and Carlisle and Esme exchanged a confused glance. The others, Bella included, looked everywhere but at their parents.

"Anyway," Carlisle diverted their attention back to the game, "roll initiative, please." Bella was going first, followed by Geralt, Esme, Emmett, Edward, Janna, Rosalie, Alice, Fenryn, and Jasper.

"I'll just attack Fenryn with my rapier, I can't do a sneak attack right now," Bella said. "A three, so that gives me a grand total of seven. Assume that won't do it."

Carlisle shook his head with a semi-apologetic look on his face. "Geralt is next, he'll draw his battle axe and try to hit Lilith. His first attack is also a three, but next he rolls a nineteen total." With a satisfied smile, he rolled damage. "Twelve points of damage, Lilith, that was quite the hit."

Esme exchanged a glance with Rosalie. "Do you need help, or shall I attack?"

Rosalie shook her head as a grim smile settled on her face. "Just smoke 'em."

"I'll cast Sacred Flame on Fenryn," Esme said, gently squeezing Rosalie's shoulder. "He has to make a dexterity check." Fenryn failed the dexterity roll and Esme smiled.  
"Eleven points of damage." She nodded at Rose. "Consider 'em smoked."

Emmett jumped on his chair again, but Bella was prepared this time and didn't flinch when he roared, which earned her an impressed smile from Edward. "I'm going to hit Geralt twice," Emmett declared, and threw his dice against the wall. "Eighteen?" That just hit, but Emmett critically missed his second hit, and he frowned down at his die. "Thirteen points of damage."

Edward managed to hit Janna twice and allot fourteen points of damage, which brought them to her turn. Carlisle smiled. "First, Janna is going to cast Cordon of Arrows in the middle of your company, which will have an effect on your turns. Secondly, her wolf companion is going to run up and try to bite Chad, which it has advantage on… It rolls a critical miss but also a nineteen, so that's eight points of damage. Finally, Janna is going to hit Felicity with her shortsword. A twenty-six hits, I assume, so that's six points of damage."

Rosalie blew out a breath. "That was bad, maybe Janna is the person we have to be most afraid of." 

Carlisle threw his daughter a dazzling smile. "And it's about to get even worse, because you're in range of the Cordon of Arrows. Dexterity saving throw, please."  
Rosalie didn't roll high enough and caught four more points of damage. She gritted her teeth, fixing blazing hazel eyes on her father, and, for a moment, Bella was genuinely afraid of the fierceness written in them. "I'm going to run up and use a bonus action to make one weapon attack and two unarmed attacks on Janna. The weapon attack is a twenty-five, and then I've got a seven and a seventeen."

Carlisle nodded. "Two of those hit, and that's… eleven points of damage, nice. Alice, go for it."

Alice avoided the Cordon of Arrows and grinned broadly. "I would like to cast Vicious Mockery on Geralt," she said seriously, and then proceeded to roast the hell out of Geralt in her ridiculous, squeaky character voice. "Hey Gary," Alice started, which earned her amused snorts from Emmett and Jasper already, "you think you're a big man, huh? Think you're all important because you happen to know your way around with a greataxe? Well, you're going to be defeated by a messy group of adventurers who all share one brain cell that Lilith monopolizes, that should take you down to the level you deserve to be at. And dark blue isn't your color at all, man, I assume Fenryn picked that? Really doesn't do you any favors."

Carlisle cut her off. "Shall I just roll my wisdom saving throw? That's not enough, Geralt starts angrily waving his arms around, yelling: 'Don't you dare call me Gary, bard!"

Alice giggled. "Five points of psychic damage and he has disadvantage on his next turn."

"First, it's Fenryn's turn," Carlisle said, excited glint in his voice. "He rolled a pretty bad initiative but is going to make quite the comeback by casting Wall of Fire in your midst. Everyone, make a dexterity saving throw." Bella, Edward, and Rosalie made the rolls and took half damage, but everyone else got a harrowing twenty-eight points of fire damage.

For Bella, however, it was enough. "Bad news, everyone, I'm dead," she said. When she got shocked stares from around the table, she shrugged. "I only had nine hit points."

Jasper cracked his knuckles. "Dad, please tell me I can cast Animate Dead on Tony."

Carlisle shook his head apologetically. "I'm sorry, buddy, but he's not dead yet. He's still got three death saves to fail."

Jasper pouted, then pointed at Bella and Esme. "You guys better not conspire to heal him, this is happening." He rolled for the Cordon of Arrows and pouted even harder. "And I critically missed my dexterity saving throw, great. If I could get some healing at some point, that would be nice, but first… people are within twenty foot of Fenryn, right?" Carlisle nodded. "In that case, I'll cast Charm Person on Fenryn."

Carlisle nodded. "I get advantage on the wisdom saving throw because you've been fighting him, right?" Jasper shrugged and nodded as Carlisle rolled. "That's a nine and a seven, fourteen?"

Jasper's grin widened and became close to evil. "That won't do it, Fenryn now regards me as a friendly acquaintance, which hopefully means he won't cast Fire Wall on us anymore."

"Fenryn gets a blank stare in his eyes and smiles at Emmett. 'Hey man,' he says, 'long time no see, is there anything I can do for you?'" Carlisle described.  
Jasper nodded and answered: "Definitely, just go and stand in the corner with your nose against the wall and ignore everything that happens here."

"He does just that," Carlisle said. "Quick thinking. Bella, roll a death save for me."

"An eight?" Bella said, now getting worried. She didn't really feel like having to create a new character after playing only once. On the other hand, maybe she could name the second one Masen.

Carlisle shook his head. "That's one failure. Three failures, and you're dead forever." Geralt's turn passed without him managing to hit something, thanks to Alice's diss track, and Carlisle nodded at his wife. "Felicity, before you undoubtedly heal Tony, roll a dexterity throw for the last arrow from the Cordon of Arrows." Esme missed and took five points of damage.

Esme frowned as she noted it down. "That takes me down to a grand total of three hit points, guys."

"But if mom dies, who's going to heal us?" Emmett gasped.

Jasper laughed. "I cock a gun and say: 'You've got it, buddy'".

"I kneel next to Tony and cast Cure Wounds," Esme said resolutely, after thinking for a few moments. "Lisander has healing spells, too, and, worst comes to worst, I'll just become a slave to Emmett with Animate Dead. You'll be fine." She managed to give Bella all her hit points back.

Emmett allotted Geralt seven points of damage, and Edward bit his lip. "This isn't going fast enough, guys, at this rate, we'll never beat them before we're all dead." He narrowed his eyes, and it was as if a light bulb went on behind his eyes. "They were standing close to the wall, right? Have they moved away from it?" Carlisle shook his head, too intrigued to block Edward's train of thought. "And there are windows, I assume? Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to see." After an assenting nod from his father, Edward smiled broadly. "I'm going to throw my sword down, and jump into Geralt with my entire body weight, throwing us both out of the window."

Carlisle raised his eyebrows. "Are you aware that means you'll also have to make a dexterity saving throw to not fall from the window?"

Edward nodded confidently. "I assume Felicity likes me enough to come save me if I do fall down three stories and die."

Carlisle sighed. "First, make a strength check to see whether you can do it at all."

"Fifteen plus five, twenty!" Edward exclaimed.

With a visibly growing sense of both excitement and dread, Carlisle continued: "Great, now a dexterity saving throw from both you and Geralt. Geralt rolled a four, so you hear him crash into the street below. I don't think he's dead, but he won't join the fight again."

"I rolled a sixteen," Edward said hopefully.

For a moment, Carlisle seemed to swing between letting this plan work or letting Edward follow Geralt down. "You manage to grab the window sill," he said finally. Edward stopped midway through high-fiving Emmett when he saw his father's smile. "Janna is next, and she'll try to push you out of the window. Strength contest, Edward." Carlisle won, and he nodded, satisfied. "Janna hits Chad's fingers and forces him to let go."

"Long live the king," Emmett whispered in his horrible accent.

"After that, however," Carlisle said, "Janna decides this isn't worth it, and she and her wolf run out the door. It's over. You didn't kill anyone, but still managed to win in your unorthodox way."

The party whooped in victory, except for Edward, who cupped his hands over his mouth and yelled: "If someone could come and heal me, that would be much appreciated!"

"We'll go outside to heal and collect Chad," Esme said. "And I propose we return to the tavern to drink this day into oblivion." She turned to Bella and smiled. "Would you like to come along, Tony? I'm sure there will come a day when we run into a door even Jasper can't break down."

Bella smiled back and nodded. "That would be nice."


End file.
